Daughter Stops Talking To Mom After She Shows No Empathy For Her Being Left Out On Family Vacation
There’s this lovely children’s book where I come from that teaches kids numbers and has one of those number pads attached on the side that, when pressed, tells a story about that corresponding digit.
If you press #1, the voice in the box tells you that there are a lot of unique things that are the only ones out there. And number one is probably the only number that boasts about being the only one—there’s just one one.
By proxy, being single isn’t necessarily a bad or sad thing. The silver lining is that there’s just one one of you and that kinda sorta makes you unique. Take solace in that. Life’s too short to be grumpy about things. And don’t do whatever happened in this story…
More Info: Reddit
Being single’s not that bad. Think of all the money you can save and there’s nobody to ruin your sleep with immature pranks or loud farting
Image credits: Nathan Dumlao (not the actual photo)
But some would rather take that (minus the farts) just so they would feel like they belong. Even more so when everyone else in the family is in relationships
Image credits: u/Altruistic_Drink6412
A woman shared her struggle with a daughter who’s the only one who’s had bad luck in relationships, and just couldn’t handle her negativity any more
Image credits: Roberto Nickson (not the actual photo)
A mother of 3 recently shared online her struggle with her 27-year-old daughter who doesn’t have the best of luck when it comes to romance. She’s gotten cheated on, she’s had toxic relationships, heck, even now the mom claims her partner is crummy.
This comes within the context of everyone else in the family, nephews and nieces included, having successful relationships and marriages and kids and everyone is happy. So, there’s this why me? sort of nuance unravelling here. This, in turn, manifests in the form of never-ending complaints that always somehow tie in with the fact that she’s single or unhappy with her romantic life.
And the family vacation was no different. While she does have a boyfriend and was allowed to take him with her, she didn’t. That ended in her being the only single person in the bunch. And for a vacation where there were a lot of things to do in pairs, she always felt like the third wheel, if not just one wheel. A monocycle? You get the point.
This inevitably led to a lot of complaining on her part. Complaining about how everyone is lovey-dovey and their affection is just out there and stuff. This irked her mother, OP, something fierce one day. It always happens during various social gatherings like this, but today it caught up to her and so she had to put an end to this.
The mom confronted the daughter and said that “just because her life isn’t going well doesn’t mean others will stop living theirs.” That was the end of that conversation. And the end of them talking, period. This continued for a week. OP became worried she might lose her daughter over this, but at the same time, was the daughter justified in her reaction or was she out of line?
During a family vacation, the mother told the daughter to essentially knock it off because the world doesn’t stop turning all because of her life isn’t going well
Image credits: Kinga Howard (not the actual photo)
This was the question that the AITA community now had to answer. And it wasn’t an easy question to tackle as verdicts were all over the place. Those who ruled OP’s not the jerk claimed that the daughter chose to go on vacation and chose against having fun regardless of the situation—she’s old enough to decide how she wants to vacation, right? If anything, what OP said was not cruel, but simply true—the fact that she’s single doesn’t mean the world now has to prance around to her tune. It’s just the way it goes.
However, there were folks who saw it as cruel. When a person is surrounded by everyone in a relationship, it can be hard for them to empathize with being single and hence she might not feel the emotional support and care from others in the same way another single person could in how they relate to the situation. OP herself said that her daughter’s life isn’t going well—maybe it was time to be a parent and be there for her?
And there were those who found middle ground and said that everyone sucks, plain and simple. The vacation could have been more accommodating for her. The daughter could’ve maybe not complained as much because being single isn’t the end of the world. There’s more gray here than meets the eye.
Soon enough the post was slapped with an Everyone Sucks Here flare. Nevertheless, it got 13,500 upvotes (90% upvoted) in a day, so that’s nice. You can check out the post here.
The two fell out of touch for a week and the mother started getting worried she might not see her daughter again
Image credits: Ardian Lumi (not the actual photo)
To better understand the psychological intricacies of the situation, Bored Panda got in touch with Kyle Benson, a couples and sex therapist as well as relationship science nerd.
“People are hard-wired to seek out social connections as this has been a survival strategy for humans, but this doesn’t exclusively translate into a need for romantic relationships,” elaborates Benson. “Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later extended by researchers, highlights that humans have an inherent need for attachment and connection.”
“However, these attachments can manifest in various forms, including friendships, family bonds, and romantic partnerships. While romantic relationships can be a significant aspect of one’s life, they are not the sole indicator of well-being or fulfillment. Some individuals may prioritize other forms of social connections or may find contentment in being single and the benefits that may offer.”
Well, that explains how the need for social connections work, but, we’re talking about people, remember? The story alone is testament that nothing is as clear-cut when it comes to humans, and it’s evident from the daughter’s sensitivity to seeing other couples and complaining. Benson elaborated that feeling triggered by other couples and experiencing loneliness can be indicate of more than just a desire for a romantic relationship. And these emotions can stem from a slew of psychological nuances.
“It’s essential to consider factors such as view of self, past relationship experiences and possible emotional injuries, social comparison tendencies, and personal values,” added Benson. “Loneliness can result from a lack of meaningful connections in various areas of life, not exclusively romantic ones. Addressing these feelings may involve exploring one’s overall social and emotional well-being, seeking support, and exploring unmet needs for the individual.”
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
While you’re here, wanna hear some single people stats? Here we go. Pew Research Center came out with some numeric knowledge stating that nearly 70% of Americans are partnered in one way or another—through marriage, common household or just dating, while the remaining 30% are single. But the singles are also split into two equal camps of those who are looking for a relationship, and those who are happy without it (maybe sometimes casually dating, but no more than that).
Looking at the demographics, the biggest group of singles by age is the 18-to-29-year-olds. Women in that group constitute 41%, whereas for guys it’s 51%. Most of them are in high school or college with 34% and 32% respectively. And 29% of them identify as straight, while 47%—as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
So, why are folks single? The #1 reason among those under 50 is that they have other, higher priorities in life, like career or personal goals, while those over 50 indicate that they just like being single as their #1 reason. Other reasons include being too busy, having given up because of no luck in the past, not being ready to get back into it after losing a spouse, or health problems, which would make relationships difficult.
And, hey, being single ain’t all bad. Besides not having your mind cluttered with extra relationship worries, you can be free(r) to tackle life however you want and keep it flexible, which allows you to get in touch with yourself and figure out what you want in life. This is besides all the financial and self-confidence perks that come along with being single and unburdened with extra worry.
Incidentally, Kyle Benson also provides a couple of helpful ways to embrace and make singlehood work out: “Embracing singlehood can be a fulfilling choice for many individuals. One key tactic is to focus on self-discovery and personal growth. Encouraging self-reflection, setting meaningful goals, and nurturing one’s passions and interests can help individuals build a strong sense of self-worth and independence.”
He continues: “Additionally, fostering a supportive social network of friends and family can provide emotional stability and reduce feelings of loneliness. It’s also important to challenge societal stereotypes and expectations regarding relationships and singlehood, allowing individuals to make choices that align with their values and preferences, not necessarily follow the socially designed relationship escalator.”
Kyle Benson is an Intentionally Intimate Relationship coach providing practical, research-based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgemental style and his capacity for seeing the root problem. You can download the Intimacy 5 Challenge to learn where you and your partner can improve your emotional connection and build lasting intimacy and you can also connect with Kyle on Twitter and Facebook. For more tools, be sure to visit his website at Kylebenson.net.
After presenting her case to the community, r/AITA had mixed feelings about this
Ah yes, a critical mother with obvious disdain for her female child that calls her own child a third wheel on a family vacation, provides no guidance or support when confided in. I cant imagine why the girl has relationship issues. Where is scooby doo when you need him
I don't see the disdain. She said her daughter felt like a third wheel. I've felt the same previously at times, but that's just going to happen when other relatives are all part of a couple. She let it overshadow the good experiences. That's her own fault. Therapy would be very helpful.
It's the part where she equates being in a relationship to her daughter's life going well. Those two things are mutually exclusive.
She doesn't say that. She talks about her daughter having problems with relationships. You're drawing a conclusion that isn't there. The conclusion I draw from the mothers statement is that her daughter doesn't pick good men (not sure whether it's by bad luck, or bad decision making) and that's why she's single when it comes to the trip.
The dig at her having a bad life because she's not married? In a stable relationship? That's the part that did it for me. I can support the "don't complain about others showing affection", that's an odd. But to tell your daughter her life isn't going well because of her relationship status has a cut to it that's unnecessary.
My guess is it wasn't the showing affection thing, so much as the if they wanted alone time, why are they on a family vacation vibe.
Why not? You can want both things. And if you're going somewhere expensive (that you might never get another chance to visit) why wouldn't you want a chance to spend some time *just* with your partner. The one thing, that would really clear things up (in my mind) is what percentage of time did they spend as a group (or with her as part of a group) as opposed to her by herself? Was it a 10 day trip and they spent time as a group for 9 of them and she had one day by herself? In which case she's definitely the AH. Or was it 10 days and she spent 9 by herself, in which case the family are the AHs.
That reverses as well though. If you're going to an expensive place, spending all your time alone when you weren't expecting it sucks. Declare one night date night, go for it. But don't bill it as a family vacation if it isn't. There's nothing worse than feeling like the outsider in your own family. Being in a couple doesn't give you license to be inconsiderate. I've been on similar vacations, gatherings etc. Nothing quite like feeling that you don't matter because you're single. She isn't married, have her babysit on her vacation. She isn't married, she only has one vote when deciding what the activities are. etc etc etc 'what have you been doing?' Well, you all left, we're in a strange country were I don't know what the safety rules are, and I was by myself. So I was here. Right here. Staring at a wall on vacation.
I can only judge this woman on how I would treat my own daughter in this situation, and while I may gently remind her other people don’t need to pander to her I also wouldn’t have let her feel like a third wheel at any point, none of my family would. And if people were splitting up to do their own thing I would likely arrange something with her rather than my husband as I live with him and see him every single day, it would be nice to have some time with my daughter and have a nice meal, maybe some cocktails and have fun. Not all families have the same dynamic, mine is very close and we consider each other as friends as well as relatives and enjoy being with each other, many families may consider that to be absolute hell on earth and everything in between. But yeah, I would never have treated my own daughter so harshly.
IDK who downvoted you, but I reverse uno'd it because you're right. If my adult daughter was going through some stuff, I'd never tell her to "just deal with it". Because, you know, I love her and care about her well-being.
Except we're talking about a grown adult here, and they sound like a spoiled kid. "I didn't get all your attention the whole time, I had to entertain myself some of it. ME ME ME!" Maybe that's exaggerating, and of course we're only getting one side of the story, but that's seriously how it reads.
I was flying first class and my salad fork wasn't chilled enough! So I punched the flight attendant and made the pilot prepare my meal by himself. Then I had to throw a fit because my hot spiced nots weren't warm enough! Then my cheese tray didn't have any brie! So I knocked the whole platter on the floor and said I was never flying with them again! AITA? All this is my pure fiction, but I just have to manufacture outrage over these crumbs in the bed dramas, now AITA? Don't make me throw a chunk of cheese at you!
I imagine the couples had rooms they shared with each other whilst the single daughter had her own room, alone. By default, she was going to be flying solo at least when it came to the privacy of the bedroom/hotel room. This was her choice for not bringing her bf or *friend*, which she had the option to do. “We two are one” is what couples will often be at any moment in any situation. Even in a crowded room at a gala event. It’s the nature of being in a relationship. So, by default she would have been flying solo even in the same room as the others. If being alone “occasionally” was so traumatic for her, she has bigger problems than just not bringing her partner or friend on the trip. The need for attention 24/7 kind of gives me the creeps. Even as half of a couple, the opportunity to occasionally do things on my own whilst on vacation is a gift. To see it as a de facto punishment is very foreign to me.
If you lived your entire life alone (no idea how much actual time she spends with bf) and you spent the money to go on a family vacation, to spend time with said family, and then spent the majority of that time by yourself anyway, imagine how much that would suck.
No where does it say she spent her entire life alone. If anything it sounds like the opposite, she continues to have relationships but has terrible luck (or is making terrible choices) with men. Also no where does it say she didn't get to spend time with the family. When it says they split up as couples, that is likely for short periods here and there. Chances are pretty good they spent most of the trip as a group or as smaller subgroups. I mean it literally says "We did things as a family".
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If you can’t have a moan yo your mum when you’re feeling a bit s****y who can you moan to? I may have pointed out to my daughter a similar but much kinder version of what this mum said, but if people were splitting up to do things I would’ve made sure to plan something just me and my daughter to have some time together and my husband would happily toddle back to the hotel for a nap (the man loves a nap). I barely know my own daughters boyfriend and they live together now, he doesn’t seem interested in getting to know us or joining in but i try not to hold that against him as there could be many reasons he does so, and I’m very aware that I hear the crappy side of their relationship more than the good because my daughter will vent to me when she’s having a fight with him or whatever, I’m do the same when my husband is pissing me off to my mum but she obviously knows he’s not really a complete jackass like I’m moaning about.
Ah yes, a critical mother with obvious disdain for her female child that calls her own child a third wheel on a family vacation, provides no guidance or support when confided in. I cant imagine why the girl has relationship issues. Where is scooby doo when you need him
I don't see the disdain. She said her daughter felt like a third wheel. I've felt the same previously at times, but that's just going to happen when other relatives are all part of a couple. She let it overshadow the good experiences. That's her own fault. Therapy would be very helpful.
It's the part where she equates being in a relationship to her daughter's life going well. Those two things are mutually exclusive.
She doesn't say that. She talks about her daughter having problems with relationships. You're drawing a conclusion that isn't there. The conclusion I draw from the mothers statement is that her daughter doesn't pick good men (not sure whether it's by bad luck, or bad decision making) and that's why she's single when it comes to the trip.
The dig at her having a bad life because she's not married? In a stable relationship? That's the part that did it for me. I can support the "don't complain about others showing affection", that's an odd. But to tell your daughter her life isn't going well because of her relationship status has a cut to it that's unnecessary.
My guess is it wasn't the showing affection thing, so much as the if they wanted alone time, why are they on a family vacation vibe.
Why not? You can want both things. And if you're going somewhere expensive (that you might never get another chance to visit) why wouldn't you want a chance to spend some time *just* with your partner. The one thing, that would really clear things up (in my mind) is what percentage of time did they spend as a group (or with her as part of a group) as opposed to her by herself? Was it a 10 day trip and they spent time as a group for 9 of them and she had one day by herself? In which case she's definitely the AH. Or was it 10 days and she spent 9 by herself, in which case the family are the AHs.
That reverses as well though. If you're going to an expensive place, spending all your time alone when you weren't expecting it sucks. Declare one night date night, go for it. But don't bill it as a family vacation if it isn't. There's nothing worse than feeling like the outsider in your own family. Being in a couple doesn't give you license to be inconsiderate. I've been on similar vacations, gatherings etc. Nothing quite like feeling that you don't matter because you're single. She isn't married, have her babysit on her vacation. She isn't married, she only has one vote when deciding what the activities are. etc etc etc 'what have you been doing?' Well, you all left, we're in a strange country were I don't know what the safety rules are, and I was by myself. So I was here. Right here. Staring at a wall on vacation.
I can only judge this woman on how I would treat my own daughter in this situation, and while I may gently remind her other people don’t need to pander to her I also wouldn’t have let her feel like a third wheel at any point, none of my family would. And if people were splitting up to do their own thing I would likely arrange something with her rather than my husband as I live with him and see him every single day, it would be nice to have some time with my daughter and have a nice meal, maybe some cocktails and have fun. Not all families have the same dynamic, mine is very close and we consider each other as friends as well as relatives and enjoy being with each other, many families may consider that to be absolute hell on earth and everything in between. But yeah, I would never have treated my own daughter so harshly.
IDK who downvoted you, but I reverse uno'd it because you're right. If my adult daughter was going through some stuff, I'd never tell her to "just deal with it". Because, you know, I love her and care about her well-being.
Except we're talking about a grown adult here, and they sound like a spoiled kid. "I didn't get all your attention the whole time, I had to entertain myself some of it. ME ME ME!" Maybe that's exaggerating, and of course we're only getting one side of the story, but that's seriously how it reads.
I was flying first class and my salad fork wasn't chilled enough! So I punched the flight attendant and made the pilot prepare my meal by himself. Then I had to throw a fit because my hot spiced nots weren't warm enough! Then my cheese tray didn't have any brie! So I knocked the whole platter on the floor and said I was never flying with them again! AITA? All this is my pure fiction, but I just have to manufacture outrage over these crumbs in the bed dramas, now AITA? Don't make me throw a chunk of cheese at you!
I imagine the couples had rooms they shared with each other whilst the single daughter had her own room, alone. By default, she was going to be flying solo at least when it came to the privacy of the bedroom/hotel room. This was her choice for not bringing her bf or *friend*, which she had the option to do. “We two are one” is what couples will often be at any moment in any situation. Even in a crowded room at a gala event. It’s the nature of being in a relationship. So, by default she would have been flying solo even in the same room as the others. If being alone “occasionally” was so traumatic for her, she has bigger problems than just not bringing her partner or friend on the trip. The need for attention 24/7 kind of gives me the creeps. Even as half of a couple, the opportunity to occasionally do things on my own whilst on vacation is a gift. To see it as a de facto punishment is very foreign to me.
If you lived your entire life alone (no idea how much actual time she spends with bf) and you spent the money to go on a family vacation, to spend time with said family, and then spent the majority of that time by yourself anyway, imagine how much that would suck.
No where does it say she spent her entire life alone. If anything it sounds like the opposite, she continues to have relationships but has terrible luck (or is making terrible choices) with men. Also no where does it say she didn't get to spend time with the family. When it says they split up as couples, that is likely for short periods here and there. Chances are pretty good they spent most of the trip as a group or as smaller subgroups. I mean it literally says "We did things as a family".
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If you can’t have a moan yo your mum when you’re feeling a bit s****y who can you moan to? I may have pointed out to my daughter a similar but much kinder version of what this mum said, but if people were splitting up to do things I would’ve made sure to plan something just me and my daughter to have some time together and my husband would happily toddle back to the hotel for a nap (the man loves a nap). I barely know my own daughters boyfriend and they live together now, he doesn’t seem interested in getting to know us or joining in but i try not to hold that against him as there could be many reasons he does so, and I’m very aware that I hear the crappy side of their relationship more than the good because my daughter will vent to me when she’s having a fight with him or whatever, I’m do the same when my husband is pissing me off to my mum but she obviously knows he’s not really a complete jackass like I’m moaning about.