Parent Unwilling To Confront School For ‘Dress Coding’ Their Daughter, Gets Dubbed A Jerk
Do you know what one of the paradoxes of parenting is? On the one hand, we must always support our children so that they understand that they can rely on parents at any time. On the other hand, what should we do when our kids do something completely unacceptable, get punishment in return, and again expect support from us?
Here is a similar story, from the user u/Ok_Sink7611, who also had to make a difficult choice between unconditional support and common sense, and whose narrative received about 13.2K upvotes and nearly 2K various comments on the AITA Reddit community. So please feel free to read the tale and try to make your own choice now.
The author of the post is a parent of 3 and their youngest daughter is 15 Y.O.
Image credits: Thirdman (not the actual photo)
Recently the teen went to school and came back after being dress coded for wearing a sheer swim top coverup over her bra
Image credits: Ok_Sink7611
The parent was in completely agreement with the school officials but the girl wanted them to stick up for her anyway
Image credits: João Vitor (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok_Sink7611
The children even complained to their aunt and she also sided with the code-violating niece
Image credits: Denner Trindade (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok_Sink7611
Be that as it may, the author was nearly adamant in their decision not to confront the school over this case
The Original Poster (OP) is a parent of 3, the youngest of whom is 15 years old. In the author’s own words, their older children were never dress coded at school, but they still perfectly understand the meaning of this rule: “don’t show undergarments.” However, there is a first time for everything, and the original poster recently had to deal with breaking school rules.
One fine day, the author’s youngest daughter returned from school wearing her gym clothes since she got dress-coded. In their mailbox, the OP found a school email and a picture of the shirt the teen put on to school. It actually was a swim top coverup, almost sheer, and of course, the girl’s bra was visible underneath it. So the parent was absolutely in agreement with school officials – a rule violation is a rule violation.
However, it turned out that the relatives did not think so. Both the OP’s eldest daughter and the dress code violator herself, as it turns out, sincerely believed that the parent should now stick up for her and fight the school over this case. Thus, it turns out that they have gone against their own principles. And now the daughter harbors a grudge against her parent for the insufficient level of support.
Moreover, after talking with their own sister, the original poster also took another portion of heat. The children, as it turned out, complained to their aunt, and she definitely took their side. True, the sister does not have her own kids and, accordingly, parental experience, as the author of the post notes. And now the OP is sincerely perplexed – what would be more appropriate in this situation: to show their daughter the importance of following the rules or, in any case, to take her side?
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
First of all, people in the comments once again wondered how old the original poster’s youngest daughter was and how it happened that the parent did not see her daughter getting ready for school. To this, the author replied that the teen went to school herself, when the OP left early that morning. At 15, there are no problems getting to school by the bus on your own, the author believes.
As for the situation itself, here public opinion was almost completely on the OP’s side. Commenters reasonably noted that there was a violation of the school dress code, and the girl wasn’t accused wrongly of breaking the rules. Moreover, punishment for this violation is unlikely to entail any far-reaching consequences for her education or wellbeing. Accordingly, nothing significant happened, the commenters are pretty sure.
“Here is another conflict of adolescence, when the teen is absolutely sure that they are always right and any infringement of their rights – more precisely, what they consider an infringement of their rights, is completely illegal,” believes Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment here. “And the fact that all the relatives, with the exception of the parent, took the girl’s side, probably once again convinced her that she was right, and rules were created to be broken. If possible, without any consequences.”
“This is a fundamentally wrong belief, and moreover, the student’s indignation here, it seems to me, is growing not so much because of the very fact of punishment, but because of the fact that she got caught. And the demand that the parent enter into a senseless confrontation with the school (no one, of course, will cancel the completely reasonable rule) looks like another step in teenage protest.”
“Probably, the parent should just talk honestly with their daughter – when her initial wave of anger subsides, and explain that they will always be on her side, but they will not break the rules unacceptable. Perhaps this could help,” Irina presumes.
Many people in the comments also strongly believe that pandering to growing children by providing support for them when they break various rules is doing them a disservice to their future. “Wrong is wrong. To blindly stick up for her when she is wrong teaches a bad lesson. I can go out in the world, flout the rules and my family will back me. This is precisely why we are losing educators left and right,” someone among the commenters believes.
And now we would also be interested to know your opinion about this particular situation, so please express your views in the comments below.
People in the comments unanimously backed the parent, claiming that children should definitely know that breaking any rules is 100% unacceptable
Not seeing underwear makes sense, but at the same time I've seen so many stories about people being horrified by bra straps and sending girls home for them that I'm of mixed feelings on this.
I feel like that's a different thing though. One is an accidental peek as opposed to wearing something that is basically see-thru. Sounds to me like she was trying to push the rule "but my underwear is covered!" while still flouting it.
Omg THIS. My principal in middle school sent all the boys out of the lunchroom and gave the girls a 20 minute dress code lecture...mostly it was"I don't want to see your dirty bra straps! If I see ONE dirty bra strap I am sending you home!" She said 'dirty bra strap' over 10 times. It really stuck with me as weird and confusing. Did she mean they were literally covered in dirt or dirty as in wrong? Sounded like the latter . It was just strange
People would have to be living a very sheltered life if they are horrified by bra straps. I wear modest cloths always, like small neck , full sleeves, but my bra straps has been visible sometimes.
Mine have been as well and it has never been an issue. But it seems it is in some places.
Out of topic : do you know how do I get notifications about someone replying to my comment? I used to get those before, now I don't for some reason even though I didn't change anything.
It seems very random when you get notifications. At least it does to me.
So you don't get notifications always either?
This was my question. It makes sense if you can see the entire undergarment a la Madonna but I also wondered if they enforce for straps. If so, they need to clarify this rule because as written it's ridiculous.
School dress codes are often too strict toward teenage girls, especially when they have rules like no form fitting pants because the shape of girls' legs is inherently sexual etc. This is not one of those rules. This is totally reasonable, and the school treated her fairly. 15 year olds don't need to go to school wearing tops a 21 year old would wear to a club. Remind your daughter that she won't be allow to go to work in a bikini top either or that the boys at her school can't show up in boxers with no pants. Yes, there are lots of unfair modesty standards towards girls and women, but this is not one of them.
I've never heard of this: "School dress codes ... have rules like no form fitting pants because the shape of girls' legs is inherently sexual etc." I gather you're from outside the U.S., or the 1910s? (I have heard of teachers telling students to cover up yoga pants, but that's for something other than "the shape of girls's legs.")
NTA. It's not an unreasonable policy, as long as they don't count bra straps. I must've gotten dress coded 15 times in high school for having one bra strap show...
Not seeing underwear makes sense, but at the same time I've seen so many stories about people being horrified by bra straps and sending girls home for them that I'm of mixed feelings on this.
I feel like that's a different thing though. One is an accidental peek as opposed to wearing something that is basically see-thru. Sounds to me like she was trying to push the rule "but my underwear is covered!" while still flouting it.
Omg THIS. My principal in middle school sent all the boys out of the lunchroom and gave the girls a 20 minute dress code lecture...mostly it was"I don't want to see your dirty bra straps! If I see ONE dirty bra strap I am sending you home!" She said 'dirty bra strap' over 10 times. It really stuck with me as weird and confusing. Did she mean they were literally covered in dirt or dirty as in wrong? Sounded like the latter . It was just strange
People would have to be living a very sheltered life if they are horrified by bra straps. I wear modest cloths always, like small neck , full sleeves, but my bra straps has been visible sometimes.
Mine have been as well and it has never been an issue. But it seems it is in some places.
Out of topic : do you know how do I get notifications about someone replying to my comment? I used to get those before, now I don't for some reason even though I didn't change anything.
It seems very random when you get notifications. At least it does to me.
So you don't get notifications always either?
This was my question. It makes sense if you can see the entire undergarment a la Madonna but I also wondered if they enforce for straps. If so, they need to clarify this rule because as written it's ridiculous.
School dress codes are often too strict toward teenage girls, especially when they have rules like no form fitting pants because the shape of girls' legs is inherently sexual etc. This is not one of those rules. This is totally reasonable, and the school treated her fairly. 15 year olds don't need to go to school wearing tops a 21 year old would wear to a club. Remind your daughter that she won't be allow to go to work in a bikini top either or that the boys at her school can't show up in boxers with no pants. Yes, there are lots of unfair modesty standards towards girls and women, but this is not one of them.
I've never heard of this: "School dress codes ... have rules like no form fitting pants because the shape of girls' legs is inherently sexual etc." I gather you're from outside the U.S., or the 1910s? (I have heard of teachers telling students to cover up yoga pants, but that's for something other than "the shape of girls's legs.")
NTA. It's not an unreasonable policy, as long as they don't count bra straps. I must've gotten dress coded 15 times in high school for having one bra strap show...