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“Unfair Amount Of Duties”: Wife’s New Job Puts Strain On The Household
Maintaining a household, taking care of kids, and managing a career all at once is more work than the vast majority of the population can handle. It can be a test of any marriage when partners need to renegotiate who does what. Miscommunication, resentment, stress, and misguided expectations are just some of the pitfalls people might encounter.
A man turned to the internet for advice when his wife’s new job ended up overwhelming him with housework and childcare. The comments quickly spiraled into a debate on gender norms, housekeeping standards, and how to communicate in a marriage.
Working out responsibilities in a married household require diplomacy and tact
Image credits: jm_video (not the actual photo)
So one man needed some advice when he realized his wife’s new job was creating a lot of work for him
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
Image credits: jm_video (not the actual photo)
OP debated some readers in the comments
Overall, few really sided with the husband
Others thought he made some valid points
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Monika Pašukonytė
Viktorija Ošikaitė
Vėja Elkimavičiūtė
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"She was able to keep up with a few things around the house". Mate, now you know what those "few things" are.
Also, even the yard is in disrepair...
Exactly!
So maybe it's his turn to find a WFH job so that he can keep up with "a few things" around the house? It was fine while it was her, obviously it was quite a list if he's in over his head now.
Battle of the sexes stuff aside for a minute, I've worked from home for 20 years. Anyone who says it isn't easier to keep up on household chores as a partner who works from home is crazy. A ten minute 'pee' break is enough time to throw the laundry on. Another one is enough time to move it to the dryer. A lunch break is enough time to eat lunch and prep dinner etc. If I count the 30-45 minutes a day I can spend on those little chores AND the 2 hours of commuting I can save, over a work week that's 12.5 extra hours to devote to household chores. Again boy/girl aside, loss of that much capacity is going to sting. OTOH, one very important piece of information seems to be missing - What is OP's job? Can it be made flexible? Can he quit?
I don't know why you got downvoted. Ny husband does small things around the house when he is working from home. It's really different, because the time in commute is 1.5h/day and he is more stressed. Also I can leave the kids with him and go out (I'm a SAHM, but I also need time alone sometimes), they can sleep, play or watch a movie while he's working. When he was changing jobs he was specifically looking for WHM at least 3 days a week. Yes, for the 1 hour commute time one person can get 30 minutes for oneself and also cook a dinner.
Yes, it is easier to manage household tasks from home but this still doesn't make it equal. If I go to the office I get to listen to music on the commute in and then sit and enjoy a coffee with a colleague before I start work. I can go to lunch with a friend or enjoy a walk or read a book during my lunch break and work without interuptions. When I work from home, I use time that is otherwise my DOWN TIME on chores - laundry, bathroom, dishes. I have to pick the kids up, parent them and work with thier interuptions. It is more stressful than my days in the office. Just because doing chores while working from home is more convenient, does not mean that it comes with no personal time cost.
This is how it is for my daughter. She works 5 minutes from home and her 9 and 7 year old boys go to school next door to her work and daycare for her 2 year old is on the same street where she works. She gets up at 05:30 with all 3, gives them breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed and out the door, drops off youngest then the boys at school then works 7 to 4 and picks them up, takes them home, starts dinner, helps the older two with homework then showers the kids etc etc. Last week her partner worked double shifts so was gone from 5am to 1am. Yes it was hard. She called me at 9pm crying. The two year old refused to sleep, the boys had been fighting and refused to go to bed and when she finally got them to sleep the youngest was still awake. She was exhausted, needed to clean, do laundry and she needed to shower. I told her to forget everything and go to bed. It's not going to hurt anyone that the dishes aren't done or there was toys on the floor. The two year old will be asleep soon.
I don't think the argument that you get to relax in the car and chill out with friends at work is making the point you think it is lenka.
That I'd come by after she finished work the next day with dinner and I'd help the boys with their homework plus I'd clean up for her and sort the laundry while she showered the youngest. Then I took the youngest and put her to bed and in 10 minutes she was fast asleep then I put the boys to bed and told them they know my rules. They have 20 minutes to fall asleep and no getting up or messing about (they are used to my rules because of spending the night at my place regularly since they were babies). Then I told my daughter she could go shower and I cleaned the kitchen and living room. 7:30pm all the kids were asleep, the apartment was clean and she was able to relax for a few hours before she went to sleep. I did the same for the next 2 nights. Friday she had a friend helping her because I was exhausted. It's not easy trying to do everything by yourself.
"She was able to keep up with a few things around the house". Mate, now you know what those "few things" are.
Also, even the yard is in disrepair...
Exactly!
So maybe it's his turn to find a WFH job so that he can keep up with "a few things" around the house? It was fine while it was her, obviously it was quite a list if he's in over his head now.
Battle of the sexes stuff aside for a minute, I've worked from home for 20 years. Anyone who says it isn't easier to keep up on household chores as a partner who works from home is crazy. A ten minute 'pee' break is enough time to throw the laundry on. Another one is enough time to move it to the dryer. A lunch break is enough time to eat lunch and prep dinner etc. If I count the 30-45 minutes a day I can spend on those little chores AND the 2 hours of commuting I can save, over a work week that's 12.5 extra hours to devote to household chores. Again boy/girl aside, loss of that much capacity is going to sting. OTOH, one very important piece of information seems to be missing - What is OP's job? Can it be made flexible? Can he quit?
I don't know why you got downvoted. Ny husband does small things around the house when he is working from home. It's really different, because the time in commute is 1.5h/day and he is more stressed. Also I can leave the kids with him and go out (I'm a SAHM, but I also need time alone sometimes), they can sleep, play or watch a movie while he's working. When he was changing jobs he was specifically looking for WHM at least 3 days a week. Yes, for the 1 hour commute time one person can get 30 minutes for oneself and also cook a dinner.
Yes, it is easier to manage household tasks from home but this still doesn't make it equal. If I go to the office I get to listen to music on the commute in and then sit and enjoy a coffee with a colleague before I start work. I can go to lunch with a friend or enjoy a walk or read a book during my lunch break and work without interuptions. When I work from home, I use time that is otherwise my DOWN TIME on chores - laundry, bathroom, dishes. I have to pick the kids up, parent them and work with thier interuptions. It is more stressful than my days in the office. Just because doing chores while working from home is more convenient, does not mean that it comes with no personal time cost.
This is how it is for my daughter. She works 5 minutes from home and her 9 and 7 year old boys go to school next door to her work and daycare for her 2 year old is on the same street where she works. She gets up at 05:30 with all 3, gives them breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed and out the door, drops off youngest then the boys at school then works 7 to 4 and picks them up, takes them home, starts dinner, helps the older two with homework then showers the kids etc etc. Last week her partner worked double shifts so was gone from 5am to 1am. Yes it was hard. She called me at 9pm crying. The two year old refused to sleep, the boys had been fighting and refused to go to bed and when she finally got them to sleep the youngest was still awake. She was exhausted, needed to clean, do laundry and she needed to shower. I told her to forget everything and go to bed. It's not going to hurt anyone that the dishes aren't done or there was toys on the floor. The two year old will be asleep soon.
I don't think the argument that you get to relax in the car and chill out with friends at work is making the point you think it is lenka.
That I'd come by after she finished work the next day with dinner and I'd help the boys with their homework plus I'd clean up for her and sort the laundry while she showered the youngest. Then I took the youngest and put her to bed and in 10 minutes she was fast asleep then I put the boys to bed and told them they know my rules. They have 20 minutes to fall asleep and no getting up or messing about (they are used to my rules because of spending the night at my place regularly since they were babies). Then I told my daughter she could go shower and I cleaned the kitchen and living room. 7:30pm all the kids were asleep, the apartment was clean and she was able to relax for a few hours before she went to sleep. I did the same for the next 2 nights. Friday she had a friend helping her because I was exhausted. It's not easy trying to do everything by yourself.