Man Implies Woman Colleague Is “Pent Up” At Home With Husband Gone, Doesn’t Expect Her Response
Many employees have had to deal with the awkward question of “How honest should I be with a work friend?” The lines between professionalism, humor and just being sincere are quickly blurred and it’s pretty easy to just say the wrong thing.
A woman wondered if she really was in the wrong for truthfully answering a coworker’s question about what she does when her husband is gone. Instead of accepting the answer, he immediately went to HR, starting a chain of events that would lead to a disciplinary meeting. A heated discussion arose over the words used and the coworker’s intentions in the comments section as readers reacted to the story.
Being honest with a work friend can be difficult at times
Image credits: Rene Asmussen (not the actual photo)
One woman ended up having to meet with HR and she she answered a coworker’s question quite frankly
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Solid_Blueberry_135
It can be hard to figure out where the line stands in the workplace
On the whole, OP’s answer is debatable. Certainly, it would be strange to assume her married, male coworker doesn’t understand masturbation, however, perhaps it would have been best to steer clear of the topic in general. There are a few arguments to be made in her defense. First and foremost, she was neither lying, nor oversharing. While it’s possible that her coworker had something else in mind, it did appear that he was asking about her sex life.
Additionally, while both parties were coworkers, they are also adults and friends, which makes it all the stranger that he immediately reported her. This seems a particularly “scorched-earth” type of response when he could have ignored it, asked her to tone it down, or really done anything else. It’s particularly jarring, as his own question, about being “pent up,” can be just as easily misunderstood.
This misunderstanding is strange, seeing that both OP and John have been coworkers for around two years. While we don’t know the ins and outs of their days, we can assume that they spend at least ten to twenty hours a week, month after month, working together, talking and interacting. While issues can arise, on the whole, researchers see workplace friendships as a good thing. It increases employee satisfaction, teamwork, and motivation. Some studies even link it to higher worker retention and productivity.
Image credits: CoWomen(not the actual photo)
Workplace communication has some notorious pitfalls
However, this can lead to “dangerous” situations, like the one OP found herself in. Because she was friendly and comfortable with this coworker, it can be hard to understand where boundaries lie. Nothing anyone said in this conversation would seem strange among friends, but it is possible that OP overestimated how much of a friend she is and underestimated her role as a coworker. However, again, John’s reaction does seem excessive, as he had multiple other avenues to deflect or alter her behavior.
This overreacting behavior is likely what led to many commenters wondering if there is anything else going on. The aforementioned “pent-up” statement can be read in a lot of different ways and was enough for HR to shift the blame. That being said, if John had ulterior motives, it seems strange for him to react so aggressively. If anything, it shined a light on something he would have wanted to keep hidden. So perhaps many readers are “reading” too much into the whole situation.
All in all, this story serves as a reminder to always think twice when saying something. It can be hard to determine exactly who was in the wrong, but this story does illustrate multiple cases where all would have been better if different choices had been made. As some commenters note, anything even vaguely sexual is off-limits, but this ignores the realities of human interaction. OP was the best person to judge what would be acceptable to say in this scenario and she judged incorrectly, so it’s unlikely that random strangers would have done better.
Image credits:Flo Dahm (not the actual photo)
"Pent up" means "sexually frustrated" in most every case. In the very unlikely event that he didn't mean it that way, you'd think, as a good friend, that he'd recognize the misunderstanding and you two would just have a laugh about it. The fact that he went to HR and was being aloof afterwards points to him knowing he f****d up and was just trying to cover his a*s. OP should absolutely cut any contact with that piece of s**t, if not personally then definitely professionally.
I don't usually speak English so didn't know this meaning. And Google translate didn't show the word to be inappropriate in common situations..
Both "Pent up" and "please myself" can, and often do, have innocent meanings. That's the nature of double entendre, a sentence or phrase having both an innocent meaning and sexual connotations.
I used to love to play with them. I look like a kindergarten teacher ( very innocent) and when i say something ... I just give an innocent look - it is hysterical. Example I have a low voice - so i would soften it and say " I know exactly how to please myself" with a knowing smile - and when I would get a OMG what did you say??? I love a hot bath and to put snuggly jammies on... what are YOU thinking? Worry about YOUR dirty mind
Pent up generally refers to some sort of energy or strong emotion one has been unable to process. Children might be pent up at school all day, for example. But for adults, it's often sexual energy being alluded to.
The meaning depends on context and tone of a conversation, as so much does. So if you said, "Ugh, thanks to lockdown, I feel pent up!" people would know you mean "confined". To say as a single person, "I only have to please myself", fine, but if you say it a certain way, etc... ? Like many idioms, they don't translate well. My mom's dad had a favorite cuss that was utterly ludicrous in English but is normal where he was from. And it can vary from one Anglophone nation to another, as with Spanish idioms in the New World, etc.
"Pent up" actually means "confined" which was how I first took it. It's still problematic if the coworker thinks OP is confined to home when her husband is away.
I immediately think it's alluding to sexual frustration when I hear pent up, you almost never hear anyone use it to refer to anything else.
Exactly.
Okay, granted, I've been out of the USA for 25 years, but when I lived in the USA, "pent up" was a term like "cooped up": meaning confined. The dictionary defines is as "closely confined or held back". Has this changed?
It certainly does not mean that in most every case. It can mean that, but it also means "lots of energy from being cooped up inside", "building anger because you can't express it" and a ton of other things. Every time I've heard someone use it, it has been non-sexual. Honestly, his reaction points to it *NOT* being innuendo but rather he meant it in the non-sexual way. Her response shocked and surprised him and he felt it was inappropriate. Realistically if he *did* mean it in the sexual manner her response would have encouraged him and he'd have probably flirted even harder, *not* gone to HR.
What you're saying is very reasonable but my biggest question would be, if he was completely innocent in his comment to her about she "must be feeling a bit pent up with your husband away", why did he omit his comments to her when he reported her to HR. He was essentially lying by omitting his side of the conversation, which is the only reason she responded how she did. Also, I find it hard to say with absolute certainty which way he meant his comment, as proximity, body language, tone and inflection of voice, and his facial expressions will tell a story that we will never know about. I just hope that she definitely learned to keep it all business in the workplace, you never know who you may offend. I definitely wouldn't put the whole conversation on her though, I say NTA.
Maybe, or he just didn't remember exactly what he said. I couldn't tell you exactly what I said in a casual conversation, just the gist of it. And that would be doubly likely if someone came out with a comment that surprised me. Like I said, I'm basing my thinking on one main fact - if he was flirting why did he stop when he looked like he might actually be getting some innuendo back? Anyone I know who was trying to be flirty would be spurred on by a response like she made, not put off by it. Oh, and yeah you're right. I mean he was chatting with her in a social way. If he didn't mean it as innuendo, when she replied that way the adult thing would have been to say "I didn't mean it that way. I just meant you must be bored without him to talk to." Not go running to HR.
I still find it problematic that he implied she is confined to home when her husband is away.
Where does it mean that?
John was never her friend, but a coyote seeking prey instead. I doubt that John truly knows how to be friends with any woman. Also, OP might want to circulate her resume. That's preferable to working for anyone who deems her to be "ridiculous" before hearing BOTH sides of the issue at hand. At best, it indicates a rather uneven playing field. Not that there's an abundance of level & fair ones. Still, if we don't demand higher standards, we're unlikely to find them. Wishing the OP a better job, w/ more talented leadership and NO creepily on-the-make, backstabbing colleagues like John.
I think everyone at my workplace would be fired if we had an HR department, judging from this story.
lol same. i mean, we've seen things in this office......
"Pent up" means "sexually frustrated" in most every case. In the very unlikely event that he didn't mean it that way, you'd think, as a good friend, that he'd recognize the misunderstanding and you two would just have a laugh about it. The fact that he went to HR and was being aloof afterwards points to him knowing he f****d up and was just trying to cover his a*s. OP should absolutely cut any contact with that piece of s**t, if not personally then definitely professionally.
I don't usually speak English so didn't know this meaning. And Google translate didn't show the word to be inappropriate in common situations..
Both "Pent up" and "please myself" can, and often do, have innocent meanings. That's the nature of double entendre, a sentence or phrase having both an innocent meaning and sexual connotations.
I used to love to play with them. I look like a kindergarten teacher ( very innocent) and when i say something ... I just give an innocent look - it is hysterical. Example I have a low voice - so i would soften it and say " I know exactly how to please myself" with a knowing smile - and when I would get a OMG what did you say??? I love a hot bath and to put snuggly jammies on... what are YOU thinking? Worry about YOUR dirty mind
Pent up generally refers to some sort of energy or strong emotion one has been unable to process. Children might be pent up at school all day, for example. But for adults, it's often sexual energy being alluded to.
The meaning depends on context and tone of a conversation, as so much does. So if you said, "Ugh, thanks to lockdown, I feel pent up!" people would know you mean "confined". To say as a single person, "I only have to please myself", fine, but if you say it a certain way, etc... ? Like many idioms, they don't translate well. My mom's dad had a favorite cuss that was utterly ludicrous in English but is normal where he was from. And it can vary from one Anglophone nation to another, as with Spanish idioms in the New World, etc.
"Pent up" actually means "confined" which was how I first took it. It's still problematic if the coworker thinks OP is confined to home when her husband is away.
I immediately think it's alluding to sexual frustration when I hear pent up, you almost never hear anyone use it to refer to anything else.
Exactly.
Okay, granted, I've been out of the USA for 25 years, but when I lived in the USA, "pent up" was a term like "cooped up": meaning confined. The dictionary defines is as "closely confined or held back". Has this changed?
It certainly does not mean that in most every case. It can mean that, but it also means "lots of energy from being cooped up inside", "building anger because you can't express it" and a ton of other things. Every time I've heard someone use it, it has been non-sexual. Honestly, his reaction points to it *NOT* being innuendo but rather he meant it in the non-sexual way. Her response shocked and surprised him and he felt it was inappropriate. Realistically if he *did* mean it in the sexual manner her response would have encouraged him and he'd have probably flirted even harder, *not* gone to HR.
What you're saying is very reasonable but my biggest question would be, if he was completely innocent in his comment to her about she "must be feeling a bit pent up with your husband away", why did he omit his comments to her when he reported her to HR. He was essentially lying by omitting his side of the conversation, which is the only reason she responded how she did. Also, I find it hard to say with absolute certainty which way he meant his comment, as proximity, body language, tone and inflection of voice, and his facial expressions will tell a story that we will never know about. I just hope that she definitely learned to keep it all business in the workplace, you never know who you may offend. I definitely wouldn't put the whole conversation on her though, I say NTA.
Maybe, or he just didn't remember exactly what he said. I couldn't tell you exactly what I said in a casual conversation, just the gist of it. And that would be doubly likely if someone came out with a comment that surprised me. Like I said, I'm basing my thinking on one main fact - if he was flirting why did he stop when he looked like he might actually be getting some innuendo back? Anyone I know who was trying to be flirty would be spurred on by a response like she made, not put off by it. Oh, and yeah you're right. I mean he was chatting with her in a social way. If he didn't mean it as innuendo, when she replied that way the adult thing would have been to say "I didn't mean it that way. I just meant you must be bored without him to talk to." Not go running to HR.
I still find it problematic that he implied she is confined to home when her husband is away.
Where does it mean that?
John was never her friend, but a coyote seeking prey instead. I doubt that John truly knows how to be friends with any woman. Also, OP might want to circulate her resume. That's preferable to working for anyone who deems her to be "ridiculous" before hearing BOTH sides of the issue at hand. At best, it indicates a rather uneven playing field. Not that there's an abundance of level & fair ones. Still, if we don't demand higher standards, we're unlikely to find them. Wishing the OP a better job, w/ more talented leadership and NO creepily on-the-make, backstabbing colleagues like John.
I think everyone at my workplace would be fired if we had an HR department, judging from this story.
lol same. i mean, we've seen things in this office......