No joke is too dark, dirty, offensive, funny, childish, smart, or stupid for this post.
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Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other ... Damnit!
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Why is 10 traumatised? Because 10 in the middle of 9/11.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care...
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.
Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?... Because he’s dead.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
I tried telling my husband this joke but kept laughing before I got to the punchline.
what did the boy without arms get for christmas?
gloves.
just kidding.
he hasn't opened it yet.
Most of the jokes here are about 9 11 and racism and dark and other bad stuff. Here's a palate cleanser.
I asked a subway worker to make me a tuna sandwich. He took the tongs, waved them around, and said "abracadabra you are a tuna sandwich"
"People always say women belong in the kitchen, but I don't think so. If they stayed in the kitchen, how would the other parts of the house get cleaned?" I forgot who said this- some comedian, but i saw this at like two am and started giggling like a mad person
How is a religion like a p#nis?
It’s fine to have one, it’s fine not to have one. The problems start when you start shoving it down children’s throats.
Helen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a table, then a chair.
No joke too dirty?
*What do you call a man who has sex eith rabbits? Elmer F**k.
*A man walks into a whorehouse and asks for a woman. The madame of the house tells him that since it is a busy night all the girls are busy, unless he wanted a 90 year old woman. He reluctantly agrees and takes the old woman into a room. They start going at it until the man stops. "You're not wet yet" he tells her. "Just a moment, sonny" she replied and she walked into the bathroom. She gets back into bed 2 minutes later and they continue. Afterward, the man asks the old hooker, "How did you get so wet so fast?" "Simple, sonny" she replies. "I picked my scabs."
My Biology teacher: "You guys were so bad at posting your project videos on the Canvas page! I had to shrink so many of them, you should have seen how big some of them were!"
Me to my friend: "That's what she said!"
My friend: *pretends to stab me with his pencil*
What do you call a girl you've once dated? Chick-ago
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great -great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and
healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."
I went to this haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!
A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, Y, and z, and × and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
Last one: A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
What do Batman and dentures have in common?
They both come out at night.
What’s the difference between Batman and a shoplifter? Batman can go into a store without Robin.
How do you surprise a blind guy?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
Don’t be offended by this one, purely meant for comedy. If you get offended easily, DO NOT READ IT. You’ve been warned! Heheh! What do you call a gay person on fire?
LGBBQ.
A paraplegic walks into a bar.
Wait, no , he doesn't
A bull was cold so he went into the barn and slipped into a warm jersey.
Bartender; " We don't serve time travelers. "
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Why do adults never understand school shooting jokes?
Guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
What was going through the heads of the 9/11 victims on the 42nd floor?
The 43rd floor.
What is up with the 9 11 jokes? The surviors probably have trauma from this and you're just playing into their trauma! I don't need to do the joem I did on all the other 9 11 posts, but again, it hurts. It is only funny if there are no painful memories tied to it and if you had a bad memory tied to it that u got over I'm happy for u but please tone it down a little bit.
What is the difference between Mcdonald’s and 9/11?
Mcdonald’s has a drive-through and the Twin towers have a fly-through.
Bro what's up with the 9 11 jokes my grandma almost died and so many people were lost leave sep 11 2001 alone
What do you call a white person set on fire?
A firecracker.
What’s the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?
Two hands on your shoulders.
What do men have in their pants that’s only 3 inches long, but can fully satisfy a woman?
Their credit card.
I’ve actually heard this one a few times before! What’s the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler?
Usain bolt can finish a race.
A woman is checking out at the grocery store.
She puts bananas, coffee, soy milk, oatmeal, and hairspray on the conveyor belt. The cashier smiles at her and says, “I can tell you’re single.”
“Oh, ha, how did you know?” the woman asks, blushing.
“Because you’re f*****g ugly.”
What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball?
She gagged!
Why do orphans play GTA?
To be wanted.
Some more rancid jokes:
*What's worse than eating 56 oysters out of your grandmother's c**t? Finding out there were only 55 oysters.
What is something you can’t say in a superhero movie?
“Is it a bird, is it a plane, well whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the world trade center.”
Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?
Like we get it bro she’s underage.
Alright, this one is gonna be really dark! Heh! But considering you’ve responded well to my other jokes, here’s the mothership! What do Pikachu and 6 million Jews have in common?
They’re both Ashes.
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini.
The bartender thinks this is a bit strange, then realizes he is actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. But his wife just ignores him.
The man turns and begins to sob as he realizes his marriage is in shambles.
Do you want to know why p*rn is unrealistic?
It shows women saying, “Yes,” and having a good time!
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? answer if we don’t get some support soon people are gonna think we’re nuts
Haha!
Thanks for downvoting nearly all the jokes guys. The 4 of you that laughed and posted, thank you. Glad we had fun before the downvoters came
thats bc half ur jokes were dirty and about 9 11
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? answer if we don’t get some support soon people are gonna think we’re nuts
Haha!
Thanks for downvoting nearly all the jokes guys. The 4 of you that laughed and posted, thank you. Glad we had fun before the downvoters came
thats bc half ur jokes were dirty and about 9 11